Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Cows Without Legs

Bridgette is  . . . Bridgette. No doubt.

In honor of her and her uniqueness, I present Bridgette-isms: Part III.




ON WINNING JOKES

For a long time, this was Bridgette's favorite joke:

Bridgette: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Bridgette: (fill in anything you want here)
Me: (whatever she said) who?
Bridgette: Bahahahahahahahaha! Your turn.

Now she understands that a joke needs an ending. She also loosely understands that for a joke to be funny it needs an ending that's unexpected. And for some reason, her jokes often involve cows.

Enter the next generation of humor. Trust me, these are all Bridgette-originals.

B: Why did the cow sit on the light?
Me: I don't know. Why?
B: Because it has a spider on his eyeball!

B: Why did the cow poop in the volcano?
Me: I don't know. Why?
B: Because he wants more food!

B: What did the toilet paper say to the coat?
Me: I don't know. What?
B: Want to go for a walk and eat some pizza? Yeah!

B: What do you call a cow without any legs?
Me: I don't know. What?
B: A-wOOOOOooooo A-wOOOOOooooo

B: Mom, it's your turn. Tell me a joke!
Me: Okay. Three explorers were sitting around a campfire trying to name a new land. They couldn't decide so they put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and drew three out at random. Then they took turns reading their letters. The first guy said, "C, eh?" The second one said, "N, eh?" The third one said, "D, eh?"
(Blank stare.)
B: No. I mean tell good jokes.

B: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
B: Fence.
Me: Fence who?
B: Fence is going to a meeting!





ON EMERGING LANGUAGE

Me: Bridgette told me that her favorite class today was Miss Amy's class because she loves writing.
Jeff: Is that right, Bridgette?
B: Yeah!
Jeff: What do you like to write?
B: "I love you." That's what I like to write.

I was rinsing my hands when Bridgette peered over the edge of the kitchen sink to see a glass down in the basin filling with soapy water.

B: What the hell!?
Me (attempting a facial & voice neutral response): Yeah, look at that. The glass is filling right up. Hey! So, I'm just curious, where did you hear the phrase, "What the hell?"
B: I don't know. In my brain. My brain said, "What the hell!?" and I said, "No brain, don't say that," but my brain said it anyway.








ASKED and ANSWERED

There are 1000s of articles with parenting advice constantly making the rounds. If you think it's hard to raise a child who's inundated with technology & media, try being a parent inundated with technology & media that's telling you how to raise your child who's inundated with technology & media. It's a vicious circle.

Essentially, 94% of all parenting articles have one of these two messages:

1) "We know you're trying not to suck, but you do. And so do your kids. I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always."

2) "Parents these days. (And by that I mean your kids are ruining everything, not mine.) What a world what a world what a world!"

Anyway, of the 6% of useful articles, one of them suggests you use the litigation objection "Asked and Answered" when a child is repeatedly demanding the same thing.

And when, I wonder, is a child not repeatedly demanding the same thing?

We've tried "Asked and Answered," and it's worked out pretty well. For the most part.

B: Mom, can we go through the Whale Car Wash?
Me: No.
B: Please?
M: Not today.
B: Please?
Me: No.
B: Please, please, please, please, please!
Me: Bridgette, what am I going to say to you to get you to stop?
B: Yes.




IN A FEW YEARS TIME

I was telling Jeff about a car with three teenage girls that ran a red light and almost hit us. We were turning left when the driver ran the light. I saw her and stopped short. The driver came screeching to a halt mid-intersection. If I hadn't seen them and hit my brakes, we'd have been broadsided.

The driver thought this was hilarious and was laughing with her friends as she backed up. I was both shaken and miffed and said aloud that they wouldn't be laughing like that in 10 years when they had children of their own in the backseat.

Bridgette piped up.

B: Why she do that, Mom?
Me: Because she was a bad driver and wasn't paying attention. I hope you'll be a good driver when you're a teenager.
Bridgette: Pssh (eyeroll). I won't BE a driver, Mom. I'm not going to drive a CAR. I'll be a pilot and fly.





ON THE SIZE OF OUR HUNGER

Me: Do you want some breakfast?
B: Yeah! I'm SUPER hungry. To the ceiling.

Me: Are you hungry?
B: Just a tiny bit. Like a germ.

B: Can I have a yogurt?
Me: No, we only have one more. It's going in your lunchbox.
B: AwwwwWWWww! I just want a yogurt! Please! Can I have a yogurt? Right now?
Me: If you're hungry, go finish your oatmeal. There's plenty left.
B: I'm full.

B: I'm thirsty. TO THE SKY!

Me: What do you want for lunch?
B: LOTS of food. I'm hungry to the top of the house.

B: School was good, and I want FOOD. I'm 100 hungry.





ON STEREOTYPES

B: I want to play!
Me: What do you want to play?
B: Autobots and Decepticons!
Me: Perfect. When we get home, you and Daddy can play. I'm not very good at playing Autobots.
B: Or... I know! We can play Autobots and Princesses? Then YOU can play, too!




ON OUR MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING OF
THE WORLD AT LARGE

B: There's a place that always has snow.
Me: Where?
B: The North Pole.
Me: For now. It seems to be melting, and the oceans are rising. Coastal cities are likely to flood and people will have to move inland.
B: Us?
Me: No. We're high up. We won't have to worry about rising oceans as long as we live here. Although, we could end up with lots of people camped out in our backyard.
B (super excited): We can feed them marshmallows!!!

Me: Do you see those clouds above the mountains? Don't they look interesting? And they're moving so fast.
B: Yeah, they look like stairs!
Me: Yeah, they do! But they're so smooth.
B: Yeah. Smooth like trees.
Me: Like trees?
B: Yeah, you know... smooth leeeeaves... smooth scent.
Me: Smooth scent?
B: Yeah, you know (sniffs the air). The way they smell!

B: The SKY'S awake, so I'M awake!



INTERESTING!
VARIATIONS on a THEME

B: That's very internizing.

B: Want to know something internizing?

B: How internizing!

Bridgette with her cousin Ellie riding burlap sacks:


ON SUPERIOR DELAY and AVOIDANCE TACTICS

B: Hey Mom! Once I go potty and take my meds, do you wanna look at the stars? Do you? Do you? The biiiiig dipper . . . the liiiiiitle dipper. You know. Look at the stars! Do you? Do you? Do you? Come onnnn Mom. Say yes!
Me (squirming & talking to myself): She knows me too well.... she's playing to my weakness....

Me: Are you sick?
B: No!
Me: Do you need to stay home from school?
(sly look)
B: Yes. I have a cough. Ahem. Ahem.

Me: Bedtime! Let's go!
B: Awww, I want to stay up LATE.
Me: Yes, I know. But it's bedtime.
B (thinking about it): I could do some homework!

ON PERFECT TIMING

Before Christmas we went to Thanksgiving Point to watch the ice-carving. Little did we know the carver's first major slice would shoot Bridgette in the chest. You cannot plan these things.

She's in the pink puffy coat.



ON THE FUTURE

B: Mom, I want to go to George D-C. Can we go there?
Me: Where?
B: George D-C. I want to see the house we can't go in.
(pause)
Me: You mean Washington D.C.? And the White House?
B: Yeah! George Washington D.C.!

B: When I grow up and have my own kids, I'll teach them how to use computers: how to tyyyyype, how to learn, how to fix them. That's what I'll teach my kids cuz that's what Daddy teaches me! Right, Daddy?



ON MUPPETS

B: MOM! The man behind us! No, Mom, listen! The man behind us! He sounds like Kermit the Frog! No, I mean it. Listen.

(For the record, it was true, and we could barely get through our meal we were laughing so much.)



ON BEING BRIDGETTE

B: We teamwork, Mom!

Jeff: Do you ever get lonely?
Bridgette: Nope! Cuz if I sit by somebody, I happy, and if I not sit by somebody . . . I happy.